Spaceman Spiff vs the Evil Zwork Babysitter
by garfield2710
Summary: Who will win? Rosalyn or Spaceman Spiff.
1. Chapter 1: School

I do not own Calvin & Hobbes. Bill Watterson does. There will be some actual Calvin & Hobbes strips in the story. They are worked into the story.

Chapter 1: School

_Calvin's Imagination_

_Here's our intrepid hero on the distant planet Zwork. Trapped as a prisoner captive in a learning establishment trying to rot his brain with useless knowledge._

The Real World

Calvin, the mischievous 6-year-old boy, was sitting at his desk with nothing to do. His teacher Ms. Wormwood was explaining Integers, which Calvin knew nothing about. He was amusing himself by pretending he was his favorite astronaut hero "Spaceman Spiff". He looked at the clock. 2:53. 7 minutes left to go. Then Calvin got and idea.

_Calvin's Imagination_

_Our hero discovers a hideous blob so monumentally stupid that it just stares straight ahead, completely unaware of anything around it. Compassionately, our hero decides to put the blob out of its misery. Spiff sets his blaster to "Liquefy"._

The Real World

Susie was happily paying attention to their teacher. She was the smartest girl in the 1st grade.

Calvin had just remembered that he brought a straw to school. He tore off a bit of paper and spat it out of the straw.

Susie felt something hit the back of her net.

Calvin returned fire.

"Yuck, Gross!!!! Miss Wormwood!! Calvin's shooting spitballs!"

_Calvin's Imagination_

_Perplexed by the blob's resilience, Spiff adds more juice and prepares to fire again as an ugly, disgusting creature sneaks up behind him. Then it struck._

The Real World

Miss Wormwood angrily stopped the lesson on integers and went over to Calvin's Desk.

"CALVIN!" she yelled.

"Huh?!" he said, startled. Then he looked like he'd seen a monster.

_Calvin's Imagination_

_Spiff had been led into a trap!_ _Our hero blasts the hideous looking creature that had been preaching to him._

The Real World

Ms. Wormwood got hit in the eye with Calvin's spitball. The next thing Calvin knew he was in the principle's office.

"You're back again I see" the principle said.

"What's it to you, you ugly Zworkian" Calvin proclaimed

_Calvin's Imagination_

_Spiff has been captured and is being tortured. An evil, and even uglier creature than the other two put together is talking to him. However he is speaking in a weird language. But Spiff understands every space language known to alien. Spiff says that the creature is ugly. Now the creature is speaking in another language our hero doesn't understand._

The Real World

"CALVIN! YOU ARE STAYING AN HOUR AFTER SCHOOL IN DETENTION!"

Calvin, snapping back into reality yelled, "NOOOOO! You can't do that. Th--That's torture! I'm sure it's illegal. Call my lawyer! I want a lawyer."

Then, Calvin heard the school bell ring.

"You know Calvin," said the principle, "If you didn't use spitballs in class you could be on your way to the bus now. I'm going to call your mother and tell her you're staying an hour later so that you can stay in detention."

"I'll call the police! This is torture! I refuse to be held captivity. I'll have you on kidnapping!"

The next thing Calvin knew he was in the detention room.


	2. Chapter 2: Dismissal

Chapter Two: Dismissal

_Our hero is now in a place more dismal than the other two rooms. An ugly creature is watching Spiff's every move. Making sure he won't go anywhere. Then the Zworkian told him to come up to him. Our hero exclaims, "Never you blood-sucking freak of alien existence! You hear me?" _

"Never!" Calvin yelled to the detention teacher.

"Calvin!" the stout teacher yelled. "Stop calling me names & get over here!"

Calvin snapped into reality and embarrassingly said, "OK," as he made his way to the front of the room. The teacher was on the phone and he nodded several times, saying, "OK", "Yes", and "Good."

It seemed like an eternity to Calvin but the teacher finally got off the phone. Then he said to Calvin in a calm voice " You may go now." Before the teacher could finish what he was going to say Calvin was out the door.

_Our hero has left that dismal room. Several questions buzz in our hero's high I.Q. brain. Why did the Zworkian let me leave early? How am I gonna get off the dismal planet of "Zwork"? Then our hero's question was answered when his mother ship flew right in front of him._

Calvin jumped in his mom's car and fastened the seat belt. "Get me as far away from this planet as possible, Mother ship."

"I don't know what you're talking about but OK," the mother said confused a little.

_The Mother Ship is zipping through outer space only going 2 light years pear hour. At that rate, the planet he's living on right now, "Tigerius", was only a 5-minute cruise from the planet Zwork. But little did our hero know what lied ahead._


	3. Chapter 3: Rosayln

Chapter 3: Rosalyn

The ride home was a quiet one. Calvin just sat there thinking about a way to outwit Hobbes pouncing upon him.

_Our Hero is now scheming up a way to ruse his handsome and ferocious pet cat. But so far he has no thought as the spacecraft enters his planet's atmosphere._

"We're home!" Calvin's Mother proclaimed.

Calvin jumped out of the van and ran inside not even thinking about Hobbes. "I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home Sweet--," realizing what he said he whispered in his lowest voice, "Oh No!"

The next thing Calvin knew Hobbes pounced him so hard it left a 8 yard imprint on the front yard.

"Wow!!" yelled Hobbes. "That was a good one! Look how far we landed!"

"A House with a tiger is never a home," Calvin said getting up and brushing the dirt of his shirt and pants.

Calvin was about to yell at Hobbes when the tiger said, "Listen. Your dad came home from work early and he's been in the bathroom for an hour the same time as your mother."

"You know," Calvin realized, "I recall mom wearing nice clothes when she picked me up. OH NO!!"

Calvin ran as fast as he could to his mom. Calvin's memory was correct his mother was wearing a nice dress, pearl earrings, ruby lipstick and nice shoes which she just put on. "Mom," Calvin asked with fear, "Where are you going?"

"I told you this morning and last night at dinner. But you're always in your own little world. That's the reason I let you skip detention. We needed you to get home because we're leaving really early today." the mother replied.

"Please tell me you didn't hire Rosalyn!" Calvin nearly screamed.

"I called 8 people and she's the only one who would do it."

"CALL SOME MORE!! CALL SOME MORE!!"

"Calvin, I spent nearly an hour on the phone as it is. Rosalyn's fine."

"'FINE?!' She's a Barracuda in a High School Senior Suit! I'm as good as dead!"

"Do you remember Amy? She went into hysterics when I called her."

_Our hero has been scammed. His mother ship driver was a traitor. She was in cahoots with the Zworkian aliens after all. And now she has invited one over to our planet to keep an eye on me. Why, pray tell, do I need watching over. Our hero can watch over himself. Tonight there's going to be an eternal war on all Zworkians and all things evil and wrong._

The door bell rang. Not Surprisingly there was Rosalyn standing there tall and proud.

"Welcome Rosalyn" said Calvin's dad. "I'm very sorry about what happened last time and I promise that Calvin will be on his best behavior."

"Well even so, I'd like an advance." Rosalyn said.

"An advance? But-- But--"

"Dear, can I talk to you?" Calvin's Mom asked pulling on his arm.

When they were out of sight from both Rosalyn and Calvin they began to argue.

"But we gave her an advance the last time!" the dad hissed.

"I don't care just pay what it takes to get us out of here!" she hissed back.

They returned with 55 bucks and they gave it to Rosalyn.

"Calvin! Come here, please!" yelled the dad after the mom went to warm up the car.

Calvin responded immediately.

"We're going. And Calvin?"

"Yes?"

Calvin's Dad made a slashing noise as he moved his index finger across his neck. Then in a swift moment he slammed the door.

Then Calvin ran upstairs to talk to Hobbes.


	4. Chapter 4 : Space Man Spiff Confronts

Chapter 4: Spaceman Spiff confronts his Handsome Tigergod.

_Our hero decides to face his striking tigergod. "We are trapped in the same building as that despicable, evil monster, The Zworkian Babysitter!"_

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," said Hobbes.

"NO IDEA??!! You're not worthy to be in my presence you fowl space beast!" yelled Calvin.

Then Hobbes understood 'He's fantasizing that he's Spaceman Spiff again. And when his imagination runs wild it becomes a reality to him.' Hobbes thought.

"Calvin," said Hobbes, "Snap out of it. Come back to earth."

_Our hero now hears his tiger saying "Let's go back to earth." Our hero yells, "Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you, you withering, bloodsucking, putrid, revolting, pitiful excuse for a tigergod. You're in cahoots with the Zworkians also. I can't trust anyone. Well then I'll go and fight that monster myself."_

"I can't let you do that!" declared Hobbes, "Rosalyn will kill you then your parents will kill you again when they get home."

_Just as our hero thought. His own tigergod is against him. So now he's got no other choice. He must take this traitor tigergod into strong and bloody captivity._

In no time flat Calvin tied Hobbes up with his rope he previously used to copy the Great Houdini (It's a long story. I'd explain but you probably want to know what happens next.)

"You can't keep me here like this, Calvin. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer! Come back here. Don't run. You can't leave me here. CALVIN!"

_OUR HERO ESCAPES! But for how long? Any matter, the ropes can hold for about 10 minutes. He was that long to attack the Zworkian Babysitter, get that alien running to her home planet and then to dispose of all the traitors he had come across. Our hero grabs his trusty "Death Blaster" as he rushes out the door._


	5. Chapter 5: The Attack

Chapter 5: The Attack

_Our hero, death blaster in hand, makes his way down to the room his evil Zworkian babysitter is. ZOUNDS! She's having a conversation on her wireless SIEVT (Space Import/Export Voice Transportation) with a fellow Zworkian. Or Maybe worse. Maybe she's hypnotizing another fellow being to become a Zworkian. Our hero has gotta stop her._

Rosalyn was sitting at the dining room table talking on the phone with her boyfriend Charlie. "Hi Charlie. I'm sorry about canceling our date, but with the money I get her we can go on a better date next week. Oddly he's been good. I haven't heard him all night." Then Rosalyn got suspicious. "Which worries me."

_Zounds! The Zworkian is getting suspicious. He was only 8 feet from her. Time to take on the attack._

Rosalyn thought she heard footsteps. "Hold on Charlie." She put down the phone. She turned her head around. There she saw Calvin. He had a surprised look on his face. A can of Silly String in is hands. Without hesitation he squirted Rosalyn in the face with Silly String.

"Calvin! Stop it!" yelled Rosalyn, shortly interrupted by Silly String going inside her mouth.

"Die you withering, planet sucking, stupid old Zworkian!" yelled Calvin.

_YES! Our hero has succeeded in blasting the Zworkian with his death blaster! Zounds! Our hero has run out of juice. Must retreat and get more!_

"Calvin! Come back here!" shouted Rosalyn. She ran after Calvin.

Calvin made his way back to the phone. He snapped his fingers into the receiver. "You are free!" Calvin yelled. Then he slammed down the phone. Then he opened the front door and hid behind it.

Rosalyn ran past the front door. She believed Calvin had run out the front door and left the door open. The second she was out Calvin slammed the door and locked it. Then he ran around the house locking all the windows.

Meanwhile, Rosalyn was running around the front and back yard looking for Calvin. When she couldn't find him she rushed to the front door to find that it was locked. "Not again," she muttered. "CAAAALLLLVVVVIIIIIINNN!! OPEN THIS DOOR NOW OR--"

She didn't get to finish her sentence. Calvin dumped some nasty goop all over her from the roof. The goop contained ketchup, mustard, snot, crushed marshmallows, rice, coke and a bunch of other stuff you don't want to know about. A disgusted Rosalyn tried brushin' it off. "Calvin. You are dead! D-E-A-D! DEAD!"

_Our hero has dumped a nasty substance on the Zworkian babysitter shortly after he locked her out of the mothership. It will be soon before she runs away to her home planet. Spiff runs back to his dorm. _

Calvin ran back to his room. There he saw the ropes were loose and cut in several pieces.

_Zounds! Our hero had forgotten about his tigergod's claws._


	6. Chapter 6: The Capture

Chapter 6: The Capture

Meanwhile, Rosalyn, drenched in the nasty goop Calvin poured on her was trying to find a way inside. She walked around the back and front yard trying to find a way back inside. Then she found something.

Our hero's tigergod could be anywhere. He can't trust anyone. Spiff isn't sure he could even trust himself. Spiff needs to find his tigergod before he could attack Spiff. Our hero cautiously and as inconspicuous as possible walks around the mothership. Our hero grabs some hydro bombs in case needed. He fills im' up in the mothersink. 4 hydro bombs in hand, our hero looks for his tigergod.

Hobbes, crouched behind a fern was waiting for Calvin to pass. He waited 6 minutes until finally Calvin walked by with 4 water balloons in his arms. Hobbes pounced.

_ZOUNDS! Our hero had been tricked. __His handsome, but traitorous, tigergod had been waiting for him to pass by. Our hero releases a hydro bomb while his tigergod is in midair._

Calvin threw a water balloon at Hobbes. Hobbes was completely soaked in water. 'Now Calvin's gonna get it' he thought. Hobbes growled and ran after Calvin.

_Our hero is being chased by his handsome tigergod. The hydro bomb had only temporarily stunned him. Our hero races his handsome tigergod._

Calvin ran as fast as his little legs could carry him. Who should he run into but his babysitter Rosalyn, who had gotten in through the doggie door.

_ZOUNDS! Our hero had been landed into a trap. He fell for it. How stupid he was. His tigergod distracted him while he led him to the Zworkian babysitter. How stupid he was. His tigergod had obviously let her in. "You stupid worthless being stay back!" _

"I've got a hydro bomb and I'm not afraid to use it!" yelled Calvin.

"CALVIN!" yelled Rosalyn even louder than him, "You have teed me off for the last time. Go to bed no--"

Before she could say "now" Calvin threw a water balloon at her. All the water washed off her nastiness but now she was VERY unhappy.

Our hero has soaked the Zworkian with the hydro bomb. Spiff prepares to throw another one.

_Zounds! Our hero has been captured. The Zworkian must have swift and fast hands even when stunned by a hydro bomb. _

_What will happen to our hero? WHAT?!_


	7. Epilogue

Epilogue

When Calvin's parents left it was about 5:45. Calvin attacked Rosalyn at 6:14. The fight was on until 7:20. Rosalyn grabbed Calvin by his collar and dragged him to his room. She put him to bed by 7:45.

The parents didn't get home till 9:30. Rosalyn had taken an hour-long shower. She still had a towel on her head when Calvin's parents got home.

"Hi Rosa--" the mother trailed off when she saw her. "What happened to you?"

After Rosalyn finished her story the Dad was set to go have a talk with Calvin, while the Mom was emptying her purse.

Our hero has been held in captivity for 2 hours. He awaits the arrival of the mothership captain's husband. Fortunately for our hero, the dumb Zworkian forgot to strip search him and he had 2 hydro bombs in hand. Soon our hero would be free so he could watch a screen on the mothership to contact the earth.

The End.


End file.
